i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
