dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize