I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
