Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Randomize
