I was born with a shot glass in my hand
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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