If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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