had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
