OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
