Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
