Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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