I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
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