i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
