wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Randomize
