I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
