oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Randomize
