No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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