we dont do blackfin have a good night :)
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
