When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
