I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
