you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
