my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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