Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Randomize