24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
i used baking grease as lip gloss
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
