Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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