He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I just gargled with NyQuil
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
