i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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