Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
