My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
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