Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
