I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
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