I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
