I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
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