Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
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