we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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