i need an iv and a liver transplant
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
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