i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
MIDGETS
????
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
