my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
