24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Randomize
