Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Randomize
