We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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