im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
