Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
