i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Randomize
