The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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