He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
