this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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