my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize