Don't make out with my wife yet
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
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