frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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