So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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