I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I need to wash the frat house off of me
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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