sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
He uses pillows to masturbate.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Randomize
