So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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