i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
