We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
