the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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