He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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