I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
