i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
