he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
