There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
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