I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
