I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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