i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Every concussion has its silver lining
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
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