..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
