I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
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