He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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