You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Randomize
