I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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