I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
