the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
