Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Your mouth is God's brothel.
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
