the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
