He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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